insomnia

I'm having trouble falling asleep this evening so I thought I'd blog a bit...there's a good strategy!

Today I had to stay at internship until 7:30pm. I had tons of paperwork and didn't want to get behind. I have to say that I am loving my work with individual clients. I feel like I am accessing some of my best training during some of my interactions with them. Like today I was working with someone who is a complete loaded gun (i.e. the type with a history of restraining orders...let's hope they don't get an actual gun...lol...anyway)...and it felt good to communicate to them about my fears for them.

In a weird way, while doing therapy I get to let out more of my real opinions than anywhere else. Other times I'm trying to preserve harmony in relationships so much (and doing what comes more naturally for me...being selfless...or denying my needs for the needs of others) that it's difficult for me to tell people when they are disappointing me, making me angry, being selfish, etc. I readily can tell people vulnerable things that are positive...but being vulnerable in a negative way is much more difficult. But in therapy somehow I get to channel those more negative emotions that are within me and do something constructive with them. When I feel something uncomfortable (like there's a strange tension in the room), I get to just say it. I don't have to tip toe around it, or weigh the negative impact of the statement on our relationship. Instead, it's my job to be honest and poke at the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that are in the space between my client and I.

Anyway...I was thinking on my way home today that I am so thankful that I get to do this career. I feel like I am good at it (well, most days...other than those days when I'm feeling completely insecure), and it makes me happy that it is hard work, but that it is hard work where I get to get all messy with the lives of real people and real problems. Honestly, even though it is horribly stressful at times, it feels like such a privilege to be involved in the most intimate, vulnerable spots of people's insides.

Another good client interaction today was when someone came in and said they wanted to quit treatment. It's weird, but I can do this intuitive thing that helps people's defenses and walls come down. I don't even know how to explain it, and would hate to analyze it lest it dies from scrutiny. But it's something that I'm really good at, again. I'm good at getting people to trust me. (And I believe in part that is because I am trust-worthy...but also I truly want to hear, understand, and care for these people.) By the end of our session, I had helped her change her mind about treatment.

Internship is really hard work. I feel stressed a lot and overwhelmed. But in the midst of it, I feel like there are signs that I've chosen the path that seems to be exactly where I'm suppose to be....what I was created for...what my past has been leading toward.